Yes Keanu, I will run away with you!

Once upon a time, I wore size 6 jeans (now I’m up to 16), had a long flowing tumult of brunette curls cascading down my back (instead of the permanent bed-head I now seem to sport), and my tummy was so flat and firm, you could have bounced a quarter off it.

In that far distant time, I didn’t have dark bags under my eyes, nor did those bags accessorize with matching clutch purses of their own.  My breasts defied gravity (and were matching in size and shape), and I had no freakin’ idea what hemorrhoids were.  Not a clue.

Things are much different now.  And how.

I was talking with another mommy acquaintance of mine on the phone the other day, and she mentioned that while she was out and about with her own brood of 3, she happened to see Keanu Reeves.  Fer real!

(She has the darndest luck, because a while ago, she also happened to run into Leonardo DiCaprio.)

And she was telling me how it might be possible, that should it come to pass that Keanu should cross her path again (it could happen 🙂  ) and be suddenly, madly overcome with undying affection for her, and plighted his troth to her on bended knee, that she would indeed consider ditching her current existance and running off with him.

Hmmm……

Keanu on the one hand….passel of kids + home overflowing with mountains of housework to be done + husband who is not Keanu Reeves, on the other hand.

Gee, let me think about this impossible choice…!

Fairytale existence over here vs. “Mooooom!!  She’s TOUCHING my TOYS again!!!”  “No I didn’t!”  “Yes you did!”  “Mooooom!!  She PINCHED me!!” over there.

And me without a degree in rocket science to try and figure this one out. 🙂

But, as mommies, with some years (and stretchmarks) under our (waist-flattening) belts, we are no longer the spring chickens we once were.  And while I’m sure that in some alternate universe, Keanu is utterly panting for a 40-something out-of-shape harpy that bellows at her children with all the dulcet tones of a marine drill-sergeant, he’s not actually jonesing for that, here.  To my knowledge.

Still, it’s nice to daydream, sometimes 🙂

So, as a public service to mommies everywhere, I will take upon myself, the de-mystification, the de-deification of Keanu and others of his ilk.

After all, why should we be endlessly tortured like Tantalus, with the possibility that we could fling away our hum-drum, everyday existence and scamper off into the sunset with the Hollywood hunk of our dreams, should he come knocking on our door (it could happen!)?

Here, we have KEANU:

He’s male.  He belches.  He farts.  He poops.  Sometimes, when he eats, he gets bits of food caught in his teeth and doesn’t notice for awhile.  He generates piles of dirty laundry, which he may or may not launder himself.  Ladies, he is just like every other man on this planet.  Really.

And HERE, you can tape a picture of your significant other:

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See?  I left you some space on the blog to add your own artwork!  (Don’t blame me if the tape residue doesn’t come off your computer screen.)

YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER:

He’s male.  He belches.  He farts.  He poops.  Sometimes, when he eats, he gets bits of food caught in his teeth and doesn’t notice for awhile.  He generates piles of dirty laundry, which he may or may not launder himself.  Ladies, he is just like every other man on this planet.  Really.

Suddenly, the idea of flitting off with Keanu doesn’t seem all that gol-durned attractive anymore.  Somehow, neither does Keanu himself, seem all that gol-durned attractive.

And then there’s always the conundrum of what to do with the kids, since your husband can’t just quit his job to be a Stay At Home Daddy – someone’s gotta bring home the bacon, and I don’t think Keanu will extend his generosity towards paying child support to your ex.  So the kids have gotta come with you.  But it’s ok, because Keanu likes kids.  He’s cool that way.

So there you’ll be, you and Keanu, all cozy and grinning like loons, at your incredible good fortune of being together.  Keanu generously offers to slather sunscreen lotion on your slightly flabby back.  One of your kids (after all, what could be more fun and care-free than a day at the beach with the kiddoes!  Keanu understands that you and the kids are a package deal.  He’s cool that way. ) starts flinging handfuls of wet sand at the back of Keanu’s head.

“QUIT IT!” you bellow menacingly, while you and Keanu gaze adoringly into each other’s eyes.

Not put out one bit, Keanu takes it with aplomb when another of your children flings themself at his back and proceeds to clamber around there like a demented spider-monkey while grabbing and yanking at his hollywood hair and getting a strangle-hold around his neck.

And as Keanu’s face turns an interesting shade of purple, he gracefully slumps to the ground unconscious.  Still with a look of utter adoration on his face just for you.  He’s cool like that. 🙂

Yes, I can totally see how things would work out swimmingly for you and Keanu.  And your kids.

In fact, I’m totally sure that right at this very moment, he is on bended knees, wringing his hands fraughtfully, and tearfully begging the Almighty to make this dream come true for him, and offering to trade in all his fame and fortune to be able to find a 40-something out-of-shape mama with a passel of screaming children, all for his very own.  Didn’t I say he was cool?

So while hubby can’t possibly compete with the hollywood fantasy of our choice, he does have his own special charms.

He’s real.  He’s right there.  And he’s not likely to slap you with a liability suit when your kids try to strangle him.  And he’s not followed by paparazzi who will take unflattering pics of your varicose veins and stretchmarks and plaster them all over the front page of supermarket tabloids.

And he loves you, stretchmarks and all, and he loves the kids.  And they love him.  And even when the tension between the two of you would make the Hatfields & McCoys weep with envy, things can still work out, given enough time and effort.  The both of you are cool that way!  🙂

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10 thoughts on “Yes Keanu, I will run away with you!

  1. I’m only 29 with a passel of screaming children, maybe I still have a shot?
    ha! just kidding! loved the post..although Vince is more my style-after Keanu did The Matrix and it’s awful sequels I lost respect for him…

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