I invented a new monster for horror films.
True, this critter has been around since Eve got her tushie booted out of the Garden, but until now I don’t think anyone’s actually given it a formal moniker:
Ladies, Gents and kids of all ages, I give you –
The SLOMBIE !!!
or in Latin: Parentus Sleepificus Nix (Parent without sleep)
This creepy critter can be found anywhere there are small children refusing to sleep, and much like the fabled Boogeyman is most often found in the nighttime hours. It seems to crop up wherever there are newborn babies, babies with colic, nighttime-potty-training kiddies, or naughty children who Won’t Go To Bed on time.
In homes with multiples, such as twins or triplets, etc, you are more likely to find an infestation.
The typical SLOMBIE will stagger around alarmingly, as its principle form of locomotion, and emit growls, whines, and its sonorous mating call:
“SLEEEP!!! SSSSLLLLEEEEEPPP!!! MUST. HAVE. SLEEP!!!!”
The average SLOMBIE should be strongly disuaded from operating heavy machinery until it reverts to its more human form. But that could take years (See ‘Empty Nest Syndrome’).
To repress the SLOMBIE’s baser urges, daytime doses of heavily caffeinated substances may be applied, and in the evening hours a liberal application of Haagen Daz or other similar foodstuffs may stave off such alarming behaviors such as Eating One’s Young, or having the SLOMBIE repeatedly bash it’s own poor befuddled head into hard objects such as walls.
Occasionally a SLOMBIE that’s pretty far gone can be found huddling in a corner or under a bed, weeping uncontrollably and possibly gnawing its own limbs off for entertainment (this would be a case calling for the Haagen Dazs).
While commonly irritable to some degree, the SLOMBIE isn’t usually violent, but upon being provoked may say Extremely Unkind Things to its spouse, especially if that spouse runs the vacuum just as the SLOMBIE finally manages to enter a state of temporary hibernation (If you think that hibernating bears are grouchy when woken up too early, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet!), or bangs pots and pans around in the kitchen, slams doors, or the even more heinous Waking Children Up.
That last one’s unforgiveable, folks, so Just Say No – don’t do it! – I can’t stress this strongly enough! Not a jury in the land would convict the SLOMBIE for whatever havoc, mayhem or bloodshed it may wreak upon the hapless spouse who commits this gravest of faux pas!! There isn’t a mountain of Haagen Dazs large enough to save you. In fact, you can just kiss your tushie goodbye and start picking out a nice epitaph for your grave.
I expect to see an entry for SLOMBIES in Wikipedia, anyday now – but please remember: I coined the proper name – you can put me down as: TwiceBlessedLife.com .
While I may never become famous for this, I just may be able to cadge a frappacino or two at Starbucks from time to time.
Those work better than garlic at repelling SLOMBIES, ya know!